uncertainty

Do you ever pray and feel really good about something and then 6 weeks later feel crazy unsettled and like you couldn't possibly have ever felt good about it?

This was me today.

Tomorrow is surgery day. The surgery needed only because the doctor didn't do what he was supposed to do in August. I went into panic mode today after talking to the doctor (again) about the recovery time. He had said it would just depend on how things looked once he got in there, but I called wanting a little more clarification. I mean, is there a 10% or a 90% chance I'll be unable to bear weight on my foot for 2-6 weeks? This seems like a good question to ask your doctor the day before surgery, right?!?

50% chance. It all depends on how much he has to damage the tendon in my foot to get the extra bone out.

Stupid bone.

So, I was panicked. I had been operating under the illusion that the recovery would be easy like last time (I was bearing weight on it the next day). It was the pretty illusion I had painted for myself.

So all afternoon I am trying to figure out why in the world I ever thought this was a good idea. Beetles can't walk. I need my foot. Dominic can't take off work for a month. What was I thinking?!? I did pray about this ... didn't I?

I was systematically trying to figure out how I could run my Mommy operation from the playroom - move diaper changing stuff, snacks, drinks, etc. ... this would never work. Not even for an hour, much less a month.

I still don't have it figured out and I hate the uncertainty I face tomorrow. I hate being a burden on people.

But, I know having the surgery tomorrow is the right thing to do. I know I prayed about it (a lot) and I know there was clarity ... even if I don't feel it today.

He is faithful. He is enough. He is good.

He is my comfort and my strength.

P.S. I haven't written very much about my surgery on this blog mostly because I start writing and then erase it all because I realize that my situation is very minor in comparison to what a lot of people go through. I feel silly complaining when I know people have it so much worse. I don't have to look any further than my own family for examples of more serious surgeries and more cumbersome recoveries. Acknowledging that my situation is not "that bad," I document anyways :) I will also try not to complain or be depressed about my recovery sentence when I wake up tomorrow.